The Malayan Times

Anwar: Mark Nov 28 on your Calendars

2008-11-18T00:34:00.000-08:00

Opposition leader Anwar Ibrahim today said that "something big" will be happening on November 28, but declined to elaborate further.When pressed by reporters, Anwar merely said "You'll see". Then he giggled and ran away.

Fitness First Reports Mass Conversions to Hinduism

2008-11-02T08:20:00.000-08:00

Kuala Lumpur, Sunday - Fitness First branches throughout the country today reported an alarming rate of conversions to Hinduism, especially among its Yoga students.
A Fitness First instructor, who only wished to be known as Nora, said that even though the students consist of people from various races and religions, they have all "somehow found Hindusim".
"We suspect the breathing techniques," she said.

Meanwhile in a separate incident, there was commotion in a Celebrity Fitness gym today, when Yoga practitioners stopped maintenance-staff from removing a treadmill.
A Celebrity Fitness instructor who declined to be named said the the Yoga students had declared the treadmill as a "Holy Treadmill" even though the treadmill belonged to the gym.

Mystery Machine Unveils True Identity of Teresa Kok

2008-10-28T09:46:00.000-07:00

Kuala Lumpur, Wednesday - Special Investigative team Mystery Machine revealed today that Seputeh MP Teresa Kok is, in fact...Lee Kuan Yew.
When asked what had given her away, team spokesman Shaggy said that her constant lawsuits against Utusan Malaysia was the first clue.
Shaggy denied Kok/Kuan Yew's claim that they were taking revenge on her/him because of her/his constant reference to team member Scooby-doo's favourite Scooby Snacks as "prison food".
In a statement issued through their lawyer, Kok/Kuan Yew said that they would have gotten away with it "if not for those meddling kids and that pesky dog" and vowed to get her/his revenge "if it's the last thing I ever do".
In a separate but related incident, cerpenist Chamil Wariya denied widespread rumours that he is actually Velma.

Syed Hamid Detains Self For Own Protection

2008-10-28T08:41:00.000-07:00

Kuala Lumpur, Wednesday - Home Minister Syed Hamid Albar today had himself detained under the Internal Security Act for an indefinite period.
According to a statement released to the media today, Syed Hamid said that police had advised him to detain himself after he "sat on a wall and had a great fall" sometime earlier this week.
He said that in the past weeks, he had been receiving threatening notes which said that "all the king's horses and men couldn't put him back together again".
When asked how horses could possibly put anything together, he declined to comment and instead mumbled something about candles and wind.

Teresa Kok Sues Utusan Again

2008-10-23T10:45:00.000-07:00

Petaling Jaya, Thursday - Seputeh MP Teresa Kok continued with her suing spree today, this time filing a multi-million ringgit suit against the two characters in Utusan Malaysia's Senyum Kambing comic.
Kok's lawyer, some Indian guy, accused the two cartoon characters of "inciting stupidity" among Malaysians. He said that the cartoon had never, ever managed to be funny or insightful and that they were extremely annoying "especially the rabbit-toothed guy".
While Kok's previous lawsuits against Utusan had divided civil society, with some prominent bloggers claiming it was against freedom of speech, there was no such outcry this time, with everyone pretty much unanimous in the opinion that the comic was, and has always been, stupid.
The two characters, when contacted, had no comment, which everyone agrees is just as well.

UiTM Protest Washington Movie

2008-10-23T05:48:00.000-07:00

Shah Alam, Thursday - About 2000 UiTM students today gathered in front of a local cinema to protest the screening of the Denzel Washington movie "The Great Debaters". The students were unhappy with the movie's central theme of Racial Equality in Education, claiming it could lead to more support for Selangor MB Khalid Ibrahim's proposal to open up UiTM to non-Malays.
When contacted, UiTM's vice-chancellor Datuk Seri Prof Dr Ibrahim Abu Shah (pix below) said that he fully supported the

students' actions.

"If the goal of the non-Malays is equality, the we must create a wall of resistance to defend against the Selangor MB's free-kick of injustice," he said, while striking a "defending-against-a-free-kick" pose.
"And if the referee, you know, macam...the thing...you know?" he added, apparently fumbling in an attempt to continue with the football metaphors.

Kamarul: Spork Ban Nothing To Do With Pork

2008-08-12T05:37:00.000-07:00

Kota Bharu, Tuesday - A spokesman for the PAS-led Kelantan State Government today denied that the state government's ban on spork had anything to do with the fact that it contains the word "pork" in it.
PAS Spokesman Kamarul Yunos said this after a protest led by the DAP almost turned unruly yesterday.
"Allegations that we have banned spork because it contains the word pork in it are totally untrue," he said.
He further explained that the reason for the ban was because spork was considered "a transvestite utensil".
"Either it's a spoon or it's a fork," he said. "It can't be both."